A Yoga Teacher’s Grief
Firming up my smile, still dark and cold outside, I begin teaching Yoga to the phone. I’ve got it set up in the corner, standing by like a Mars Invader - a gazillion wires and boxes hanging from it, bright colored lights flashing at me. I try not to let on how inadequate I feel, as I get on my Mat to share what I love. Wanting to be enthusiastic and encouraging, I attempt to hide my mounting anxiety about whether that Alien is going to turn on me.
Truth is, the technology I need to bring you safe Yoga, Yoga where you can freely Breathe Deep during this pandemic, haunts me. It makes me irritable on the best of days and explodes land mines of self-doubt on my worst. But it’s not the technology that has me in tears. The knobs and dials are the least of it.
My Teaching used to be about YOU - not wires, boxes, and cords. It used to be about my intuitive ability to meet you in that sacred place, where one-minute adjustments with compassionate Healy Hands opened another Universe for you, supporting you to fall more in love with Yoga than you already were.
These days, I don’t get to use those gifted hands. I don’t get to experience your face lighting up when you connect with the Life Force, flowing fully through your spine. Instead, I feel disconnected, out of touch…
like a clunky Old Lady trying to get away with Hot Pants at the Young People’s Parade.
Why is no one talking about the grief Yoga Teachers are feeling right now?
It’s lonely, lifting prayer hands to your tablet or phone. When I Google “Yoga Teachers, Pandemic and Grief”, I just get Click Bait to sign up for another ‘100% Online Teacher Training Program’, so I can bring Yoga to those who have lost a loved one. Not that that isn’t a completely worthy endeavor; it certainly is. But HELLO Yoga Journal: I have lost a Loved One, too! …more like a thousand loved ones - in one fell swoop.
And then there’s the shame. The toxic shoulda, coulda, woulda shame. Yoga Teachers are supposed to be Positive, Upbeat, always Grateful, full of Shakti and Prana, and all that Jazz. We should be Movers, Shakers, and Healers, emanating a new post-pandemic Vibe, being entirely ‘flexible’ with the new way of delivering Yoga via squares on the computer screen - lifting others up with our sunny dispositions - not bringing them down because we are feeling lost in the sea of technology, isolation, and change.
It’s probably harder for me than most, being a Massage Therapist for 30+ years, as well as a Yoga Teacher, specializing in Craniosacral Therapy and Hands-On Assists for those dealing with chronic pain. The loss of skin-to-skin, eye-to-eye, smile-to-smile communication has been devastating, the full weight of it not really bearing down until recently, when I emerged from my cocoon to actually launch an online teaching venue.
Maybe that’s why no one is writing about this - yet. We are all still scrambling just to figure out what plugs in where. When I finally launched my Online Club, a tsunami of depression washed over me - and I’m not even using Zoom yet. With every technological snafu (and there have been more than a few), it’s grown worse. Even though I created my Yoga Club to include regular FaceTime check-ins with my Students, calling, texting or video chatting at least every 4-6 weeks, after each Personal Connect, I am still awash with the kind of bone-deep sadness you cannot just brush away.
The greatest source of grief is that I am no longer Invisible. My poses are on the Stream, not yours. My mic is what’s up, not the sound of Your Breath. Thinking about you having to watch me struggle, seeing my foibles, and (occasionally) hear my farts, makes me cringe. Mulling over the number of times you have had to text me, “You’ll get all the kinks worked out!", makes me want to dig a hole and hide. My Life has been spent putting the spotlight on You, dear precious Students, those whom I love -whose names, faces, lumbar surgeries, falls off bicycles and painful divorces I will never forget, never stop praying for, never stop sending the Light toward. Even though I signed up to lead, I honestly have never sought front and center… preferring to walk around quietly, assisting where I could. The loss of this simple pleasure, bringing comfort, freedom, and Ah-ha! Moments has hit me harder than I ever thought it would.
Even though it’s different now, it is still Forever
about YOU.
Somehow I will get through this. Not writing this for pity, sympathy, or even, in a post-pandemic way, for Sign-Ups. Putting something out there like this will probably drive a lot of Peeps away. But, for God’s Sake, someone needs to start this conversation! It can’t be possible that I’m the only one struggling to find new Purpose, Meaning, and, to be frank, Self-Freaking-Esteem? Aren’t we all, fellow Teachers, feeling at a loss - of so many things we can and cannot say? Whether we have chosen to mask up and teach or demure to the Gods of Zoom, it doesn’t matter. Each of us has lost what we knew and loved to a vast splash of Challenge, in a Sea of Unknown.
That’s my Teacher’s adopted Mother, Vanda, speaking. I hear her voice in my ear every day. Yes, I will bring this to my Mat like I have everything else in the last four decades of my life. There’s a history of surviving and thriving in me, and in you, most likely, if you have read this far. Sincerely, I share with you that I know I will find that new Center, that new Normal, and, yes, even that New Way to Touch. But, until then, I am going to keep a large box of tissues next to me as I Practice, breathing comfort to that inner little girl, who wants to know Who took away the only thing she ever really loved doing (being close to you) and Why?
Thank you for reading this. If you were ever a ‘Hands-On’ Student of mine, you probably have an idea of what I must be going through. Thank you for your compassion; so many of you have reached out. It’s been truly Life-Saving. If you are a current Member of our virtual Yoga Club, I stand before you today, intensely Human, naked really, just praying you don’t think I have gone off the Deep End - praying you can still find enough faith in me to come along, for one more Livestream, and soon, Zoom - where we will finally be able to share Smiles, Breath and, of course, Alignment Tips. For you who are brand new to the Kate-Train, for you, I hurt the most. My daily mantra is that I somehow make the grade for you - that somehow, miraculously, I can feed your passion for Yoga and support it to burn bright - through this period of time when, unbelievably, Human Touch has become a toxic force.
My Commitment to You
There may be days I screw up the volume, days the signal drops out, or even times when I fall over in a pose Ithat I'm supposed to know! I just ask you, Know my Heart?
I will personally contact you to ask if you need some help. I’ll take the time to reach out when I haven’t seen you in my feed. I will do all I can to support you in finding that Yoga Magic in any way I can - FaceTime, Messenger, even the dreaded Zoom.
We can figure it out. I believe we can. Together, we can create those profoundly precious ‘Ah-ha, I just fell more in Love with Yoga moments’ …
One Livestream, One Zoom & One Picnic Table at a time.
The other end of Grief is Joy - after denial, anger, bargaining, and sorrow. Just like it took four or five different Mics to finally get that sound right, it will probably take four or five stages of grief to come through to the other side of this sadness. Here’s praying that I emerge (haha - pun intended) amplifying enough Yoga Love to nourish your Dream of owning a meaningful Home Yoga Practice, one you may take anywhere, pull out confidently at any time… one that will cause you to say, one day…
“I am thankful for that pandemic and that Kate stayed @ Home.
Without it, I would have never have taken the Deep Dive, into a Yoga Practice I can call my own.”
PS: This post was written before my recent trip to the Texas Gulf Coast, where I did quite a bit of reflection and moved through much of my grief - and made the decision to both begin Zoom Classes in March, and schedule In-Person Outdoor Classes & Workshops starting this Spring, as well These choices have helped reduce my grief a great deal. But, I wanted to share my feelings with you, all the same.
It’s important that you know I am Human. When my Teacher shows her Humanity, my Love for her grows exponentially. She gives me permission to be human, too. Isn’t that what we all need? Teaching Yoga has been quite like Mothering, for me. Not being able to use my Healy Hands, has been like not being able to tuck my children into bed, once they grew up and left the nest. But, when I look at my grown babies and see how powerfully I am able to ‘touch’ them, guide them, from thousands of miles away, simply by offering a small suggestion to move 1/4 inch to the left (in whatever endeavor they are caught), Realization Arises.
There are incredible Forces of Love all around Us right now, even in the midst of this awful, horrendous time of dis-ease. Wisdom, Compassion & Higher Purpose are synergistically moving All of Our Yoga Practices toward the hallowed space of profoundly Personal Mat Time - if we listen and heed the Call. I am not an indispensable In-Person Instructor. No one is. My virus-enforced physical ‘stepping back has created sacred room for you to grow and mature as a Practitioner, and that unsought Gift, if opened, will be with you long after my time here is done. That’s the Beauty, the Silver Lining, the Glass Half-Full, that I have found in coming to share Yoga in this new and amazing way, tangled cords and all.
So Much Love. The Sun is Coming. We will Be Together Soon.
