Why is Self-Care so Hard?
Stuck at Home during the Pandemic, and know you should be moving more than you are? Notice you are stiffer in the morning, and those Pandemic Pounds are creeping up? Feeling irritable, anxious and more lethargic than you ever remember? Truly, I think we are ALL feeling these things. Don’t you?
I’m here to tell you that this is not the time to judge or beat yourself up for not… fill in the blank. It’s not the time to secretly hate yourself for not getting on your Yoga Mat, for not using more of your scrolling time to Meditate or, at least, do some Down Dog. Being upset with yourself only means you will have to engage in self-punishment, which just circles back to exactly where we started this conversation - with you wishing you could somehow magically begin to truly take better care of yourself, in the middle of the greatest global chaos any of us can remember. Right?
Let’s start at the beginning and explore this subject rationally. Self-Care is a learned behavior. If you didn’t see your Mother making time for herself, you probably won’t naturally know how to do it. Scheduling Time for YOU, to do something other than vacuum the living room or clean out a closet, is something akin to trying to make a Cheese Souffle your first time in the kitchen. It’s impossible and will most likely make you cry, feel like a failure, and turn to the ice cream and Netflix, pronto.
We need to lower our expectations and honestly take stock of what and who our Self-Care Models are and were. If you are not remembering anyone close to you who was a major role model for the practice of Self Love & Care, you will need to start from scratch. It’s OK, Julia Child started there - prob by melting chocolate chips all over her Easy Bake Oven.
Think back to the very first dish you made as a new cook, maybe it was cookies you whipped up. Some were probably gooey and underdone, others were burnt on the bottom. Of course you thought, that’s natural for someone just starting out - and ate them up anyway. You prob felt that you could ‘own this’, if you were given a few more tries. Certainly, you didn’t expect to be winning the County Cook-Off with your first Soufflé.
Doing things for yourself that make you feel GOOD are often like that… sometimes you don’t allow enough time, and feel cranky and a bit ‘underdone’ when your life and other obligations intrude. Other times, you just feel guilt, because you are up in the spare bedroom for hours - lost in a Heavenly Savasana - while the Fam is going nutz downstairs, all hell breaking loose.
Loving on Yourself is an Art Form, one that demands timing and organizational skills and a period of training, in which you generously allow for your mistakes. All artists have a foundation in the details. Think of amazing singers, who have had to first learn the scales - before they could go off the rails and wing out something that brings an audience to tears. Heading back to the kitchen metaphor, do you know ANY famous Chef who didn’t first burn the toast, most likely more than once? I rest my case.
How to Start.
Make Peace with burning things.
Don’t start with a Cheese Souffle.
Look for role models, women (or men) who regularly engage in healthy behavior that leads to bigger smiles and greater mental and physical health.
Set a reasonable Schedule… REASONABLE! You don’t cook a gourmet meal every night. Some nights you do, but many (or most), you whip up an old stand-by, like a few Yoga Sun Salutes, or just run by Taco Bell (Savasana on the Couch - Yes, you are practicing your Ocean Breathing. It Counts!)
Notice what comes up just before you are slated to get on your Mat (or whatever your Self-Care choice). Let’s say you have scheduled 15 minutes on Tuesday & Thursday mornings to do some Yoga Postures and Sit for a few Minutes, Breathing Deeply. My bet is that something will come up - in you or in life - about 30-40 min before you are supposed to start. Let’s call it Resistance.
Decide HOW You are going to handle Resistance in your own monkey-mind, and in your life. DECIDE NOW - when it’s not even Yoga Time. Make a Choice to Value Yourself, as much as you value running Junior his forgotten lunch (he won’t starve and may forget less if you don’t just jump up and go).
Pray for Release from Guilt. Take the Second Commandment as your Personal Mantra. Repeat over and over, as you Breathe In & Out. Yes, it means YOU.
When you fall off the wagon, HUG YOURSELF… try to remember that Gourmet Self-Care isn’t built in a day, just like an excellent Souffle… it takes repeated misses, half-baked attempts, and loving self-forgiveness to create a Practice of Self-Care that WORKS!
Tell Yourself that you are gifting your children the Role Model you are searching for right now. Your daughter will see you and be inspired to NOT FEEL GUILTY (don’t you want that for her?). Your son will not accept anything less than a Woman who Loves Herself Healthy. Good Job, Mamma!
Join a Community of Folks who are trying to Live a Life in which they Love & Care for themselves, as much as they Love & Care for Others. Yes! Like-Minded Friends help! If your Self-Care is cooking, join an online Cooking Group. If your Zen is sewing, do the same - or start one yourself. But, if your favorite mode of profound Self-Love is Yoga, look no further.
Our Community is here for you. We are a small group of folks seeking to burn the cookies less and just put a decent Yoga Meal on our tables a few times a week… regardless of whether it is just the old ‘had-in-the-cupboard’ Mac-n-Cheese. (At least you kept your commitment to yourself! And that’s what your fellow Club Members will say, should you choose to Join Us.
Truly, no thing and no one is worth debting to our own Inner Wellness. Nothing outside of ourself can bring about the actions of Self-Care if we don’t JUST (START) DOING IT!
Yes, Community supports. A lot. But no one is going to walk up to our door and offer 10 years of completed Self-Care in the form of amazing Mental & Physical Health. No One. WE have to hurdle over our Resistance, whatever it may be, and learn - menu by menu - to put our deepest needs on the Table.
Having struggled with this, myself, for the last 40 years - having dished out Micky D’s and (true story) put myself inside an expanded playpen (more than once), all just to find a few minutes to Call My Own, I know the struggle is real.
But, sitting here at 60, all these years later, I feel the benefit of sticking with it. My Gratitude for being willing to be That Mom is hard to put into words. That’s why I started this Crazy Club. I want to be here for you, to help support and love you into Loving Yourself. Surely, I had no role models or community - becasue that was back when the dinosaurs roamed. But, God’s Honest Truth, I am here to preach that it is totally WORTH IT.
Reach Out? What Your Spirit knows You Need… I can help Validate. Our Community, well - with our encouragement, maybe you can burn those cookies less.
Thanks for reading,
Kate
