The Space between Me and God

It wasn’t til the Spring of 1982, that I found a real Yoga Teacher – one who had a Practice, was well trained and actually saw me, in the sea of flexible Jane Fonda look-alikes.  I would hang out in the back corner, perched uncomfortably on my hospital green mat (the kind with the annoying flakes always flying everywhere), hoping to become awesome and invisible at the same time.

Forward Bends were impossible for me.  Seated Forward Bend was the worst. It seemed that everyone else could do it, but my body would crinkle and crackle – and just not bend.  It felt like she left us in that pose forever, the back of my legs screaming and my lower back aching like a 100-year old woman.  I was only 22. Truly, the combination of pride and shame almost made me quit.  It was the kindness in her eyes that kept me coming back.

I didn’t have much money and was pretty lost in my life.  My Dad was dying; my Mom was dating; my Sister was addicted.  In the scheme of the Family Constellation, I was the only one that wanted to Heal.  Somehow, I scraped together the cash to book a private lesson. I rode my bike to her house, scared out of my mind, ugly mat under my arm. I had no idea what to expect; I only knew I wanted to be free – and I was willing to jump into the absolute unknown to find that.

We worked together in her bohemian living room on Standing Poses, until she brought up the dreaded Forward Bend.  I knew it was coming.  So were the tears.  I just let them fly.  It was raw and full of those heaving kind of ‘old pain’ sobs that leave you like a drained noodle.

She was so flexible, so light… so radiant. I just wanted to be her – not my stiff, full of shame self.  Maybe she knew my thoughts or was tuned into my feelings of failure, running so much deeper than my distaste for Forward Bend.  Whatever it was, she paused our session and told me her Story.  As I listened to her tale of personal unwinding, it began to dawn on me that this wasn’t going to be an overnight physical achievement, like a lot of other things I had tried.  This Yoga Deal was going to be a lifetime commitment to cleaning closets, forgiving others, and learning to accept myself, clunky Forward Bends and all.

We cried some. We laughed. We hugged.  She told me to bend my knees.  She told me to stop trying so hard.  Of course, she told me to breathe. But there was one thing she told me that has stuck with me for 40 years: Forward Bends are a living symbol of the space between me and God. 

Bend Your Knees

Exhale.

It doesn’t have to be that hard.

For her, it was simple. The distance between my belly and my legs was equal to the distance between Holding On & Letting Go, between Going it Alone and Surrendering into Trust, between my Full of Shame Self and my Full of Unconditional Love Self. Even though I had no idea what she was talking about - it clicked.  Suddenly, my inability to ‘do the pose’ was more about learning to release my emotional pain than a competition with the Gumby Girls.

We had some tea, looked at her crystals, and I rode home.  At the time, I was renting a furnished room in Montclair, a tunnel away from lower Manhattan.  When I trundled upstairs to my well-lit room with the high ceilings and large windows, I decided to make a permanent space for my mat.  Not only that, I decided to make room for my feelings – the ones I had been running from for a long, long time.  Once I laid that poor dog-eared mat down, I never took it up, and that was a long time ago.

That day I came to understand the Heart of Yoga Practice. There is only one destination.  Any suffering I experience arises from the separation I allow between myself and my Inner Light.  Every Yoga Pose I Practice has become a dance into the sacred space between me and God.  The mantra of my exhalations, ‘Bend Your Knees & Breathe’, became a euphemism for loving myself as I am.

When the Practice becomes about our healing, when our goal transcends the pose and becomes focused on the connection between ourselves and our Divine Source, everything starts to open – and our time on the mat extends far beyond the tips of our toes.

But you probably already know this. If, on the off chance you don’t, I pray my story lights your way - even just a little bit. Yoga is an Inside Job, just like lasting Happiness, a sense of Purpose, and true enjoyment of Life.

Don’t give up. Bend Your Knees and Breathe!